


A Random Conversation

by nburgin



Category: Zootopia (2016)
Genre: Body Image, Commercials, Conversations, Corruption, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dialogue Heavy, Dysfunctional Workplace, Fabric Softener, Gen, Humor, Laundry, Miscellaneous Headcanons, Not Beta Read, Police Academy, Rambling from topic to topic, Slice of Life, Speciesism, Worldbuilding, cuteness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-10 21:53:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13510521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nburgin/pseuds/nburgin
Summary: Clawhauser is feeling talkative in the break room.





	A Random Conversation

As Judy entered the break room to get a snack, Clawhauser was there too, shoveling an excessive amount of sugar into a cup of coffee. While the cheetah had always had some degree of boundary issues, it seemed like he was staring at her even more than usual. As she walked towards the fridge, it became clear to her that ignoring him probably wasn’t going to be an option.

“Hey, Clawhauser… is something up?”

“Oh, Hopps, it’s nothing, it’s just that... I’ve been thinking about it, and I have to say, I really, _really_ admire what you’ve accomplished in the time you’ve been here! You’ve given the whole world a shining example of just what bunnies are capable of. I mean, you’ve probably single-handedly paved the way for so many more bunnies and other cu-, uh, courageous little critters to follow their dreams without having to worry about whether they can get taken seriously.”

“Single-handedly? Oh, come on, I’m sure you’re exaggerating…”

“No, seriously, what you’ve done since you’ve been at the ZPD has probably done more to advance the public image of bunnies than anything in the past hundred years! I mean, can you even think of _anything_ else that ever helped people rethink their ideas about bunnies  like that?”

“Well, when I was about ten, I remember there was that petition that finally got them to stop airing those horrible, specist fabric softener commercials.”

“I don’t remember that.”

“Oh, they were _horrible._ Here, I’ll bring one up.”

Judy holds up her phone so Clawhauser can see it. The ZooTube video shows a middle-aged mother snow leopard preparing to do laundry.

She opens up a large bottle of “Bunny Soft” fabric softener, and to her surprise a bunny, wearing sky-blue pajamas patterned with carrots, leaps out of it and hugs her around the neck, and starts nuzzling her affectionately. The look of surprise on the big cat’s face is quickly replaced with one of elation. The next fifteen seconds comprise a montage of her entire family gathering around and fawning over him, stroking his fur, cooing at him, and generally treating him with all the dignity of a fuzzy pet tarantula.

Then he turns to the camera and says, “As an adorable bunny rabbit, I know a lot about being cuddly and soft. So trust me when I say that you should use Bunny Soft™ fabric softener. It’s the only one that can make your clothes as cuddle-tastic as _meeeeeeeeeeee!”_

Rather than being horrified, Clawhauser looked starry-eyed and nostalgic. “Oh, I remember those! Mr. Bunny would always visit a different family each time. I always envied whoever got to play with him. I really wished I could just pick him up, and take him home with me, and pet him, and cuddle him, and give him treats, and...”, Clawhauser suddenly seemed to realize what was coming out of his mouth. “...and, oh, uh, yeeaah…. In hindsight, I can definitely see how that might be a bit of a problem.”

Shaking off her annoyance, Judy says “...Yeah. I don’t know how much they paid him to make a fool of himself like that, but I’m sure it wasn’t nearly enough.” Judy sighed. “I guess you wouldn’t understand, though, since you cheetahs don’t have something like that being constantly perpetuated in the media.”

“Oh, no, I totally understand! We actually do have something like that, sort of...”

“What? But I thought cheetahs were always painted as being majestic, and graceful, and athletic, and –” she abruptly cut herself off as she looked at the overweight feline and realized what she was saying.

“Yeah, I know, and it’s so hard to live up to! You know, I don’t think most mammals even recognize that I’m a cheetah. I always feel bad whenever I overhear someone referring to me as a ‘fat leopard’. I think it’s given me body image issues...”

“Oh, Clawhauser… I’m so sorry. I didn’t –”

“No, it’s fine, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it. I’ve been dealing with it since I was a kid, so I’m used to it.”

“Clawhauser, no one should have to get used to – wait, are you saying that you’ve _always_ been overweight? Like, even when you first started working here?”

“Yeah, why?”

“I _guess_ I sorta assumed you got injured at some point, and then picked up the weight after being reassigned to permanent desk duty. Um, I don’t mean to be rude, but, if you don’t mind me asking… how exactly did you pass the academy?”

“Well, uh, I guess I’m not really sure. I did seem to have a lot more trouble with the obstacle course than the other recruits, but... you were under Friedkin, right? Well the guy before her, Hippard, he was, I guess you would say, not as rigorous. As in, he didn’t show up for training half the time, and I kinda suspect he was just automatically passing everyone as long as they were what he considered the “right species” to be police officers. I’m not sure he even learned the recruits’ names; I think he just signed off on the paperwork to pass me because it listed me as a cheetah.”

Judy’s eyes bulged wide open in shock. “Wow, that’s… that _really_ doesn’t inspire confidence in the organization I’ve chosen to associate myself with. At least it’s gotten better since then.”

“Yeah, I think after a couple years of that they finally realized that being too old for active duty but unwilling to retire probably shouldn’t be the sole criteria to use when deciding who to assign as the academy instructor. Anyway, I guess I sort of bumbled around here for a few months before I finally got assigned to be the dispatch officer slash receptionist, which I guess I was actually pretty good at. And I’ve been here ever since.”

“Hmm… that’s interesting.” A look of realization dawned on Judy’s face. “Hey, I just realized something! If Bogo was used to the academy being willing to falsify recruits’ grades, it’s no wonder he didn’t put any stock in mine. Like, what if he originally thought I was only given good marks so that the mayor could have his photo-op at the graduation ceremony? That would go a long way towards explaining why he originally tried to get me out of the way with parking duty, instead of assigning me a partner to show me the ropes of actual police work.”

“You know, I think you might be on to something there. I remember about a week before you started, I was walking past his office, and heard him ranting to himself about politics like he sometimes does, and I think he mentioned something about how, now he had to waste his time ‘babysitting a goddamn fluff ball just so that obnoxious blowhard of a lion can get the media to stroke his oversized ego some more’. Or… you know, something like that.”

“Hm… I wonder if he– ” Judy’s ears perked up as if something just occurred to her, and she smirked. “Wait, so you… just happened to overhear it, huh?”

Clawhauser suddenly looked like a cub caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He started pleading, “Oh, no! _Please_ don’t tell Bogo I stand outside his office every day for half of my lunch break! He’s not supposed to know about that!”

“Uh… sure. Your secret is safe with me.”

Finally remembering what she came in for, Judy retrieved her bowl of leftover cabbage noodles from the bottom shelf of the fridge. Feeling that she’d probably been in the break room long enough already, she decided to take it with her and eat at her desk.

“Uh, look, Clawhauser. It’s been good talking, but Nick and I still have paperwork to fill out for today, so I should really be getting back to that...”

“Right, of course. See ya later, Hopps.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I've published without having a second set of eyes look over it first, so I hope it wasn't a total disaster. It's also the first time I've tried writing Clawhauser, so I hope I was able to capture him effectively. I was going for "bubbly and talkative", did it work?
> 
> The fabric softener commercial has been rattling around in my head for some time, but the rest of the fic spewed out of my brain when I was trying to think of a way to frame it into an actual fic.
> 
> I originally was considering having Nick and Judy play "misery poker" about whether bunnies or foxes have it worse, but then I realized it might be more fun to have her talk about it with Clawhauser instead. Once I had framed the commercial in a conversation, that conversation just grew organically with no real plan as I started thinking of what each character would say in response to what the other had just said. Then it just sorta ended, abruptly and anticlimactically, as most conversations of this sort tend to do in real life.
> 
> **EDIT⸺** FEB-04-2018: Corrected Bearester to Friedkin (special thanks to Pandora for pointing this out).


End file.
